Step Forward

Up and down rocks
on Precipice Trail,
Acadia National Park, Maine USA

My mother often recalled the story of the day I learned to ride a two-wheeled bike.  Dad had removed my training wheels, and I was going to master the thing!  It was a hot summer day, but I stuck to it: getting on, pedaling, falling, getting on again.

I came inside, hot and sweaty, and asked for a drink.  "Why don't you sit down for a few minutes and cool off?" my mother remembered asking.  "No," I replied, breathlessly, "gotta do this." And back I went, the screen door slamming behind me, to scrap up my knees and bruise my shins.  I was riding on two wheels by the end of the afternoon.  My legs were pretty banged up, but not my pride nor my ego.

What the heck happened to that determined little girl?

My close friends will probably say that determined little girl grew into a determined adult.  As mentioned in a previous post, I'm not known for my sentimentality, and I would add that I'm not known for sensitive patience, either.  I want those around me to get with the program, or fill me in succinctly so I can join.  Given a task (and the tools necessary), I go go go!  My husband likes to start things: I want them finished.  We're either a perfect match, or a lit one!

But I'll elaborate my question: what happened to that determined little girl who would keep trying, despite faltering several times?

Our recent cross-country move upheaved us by our roots; now we're anxious to be planted.  But I'm not sure I need to bloom in the same way.  In fact, I embraced this grand adventure with excitement that I could possibly be "re-invented."  Did I need to build a schedule of musical endeavors just like the one I had left behind?  Was I a particularly-shaped block that fit into a similarly-shaped hole?  Or could I try putting corporeality to a dream?  Perhaps I could even return to a previous iteration of who I was and what I did.

In that vein, I have considered (and even applied) to positions requiring writing skills, employee relations experience, personal public relations.  Part of me (that two-wheeler aficionado) wants to keep up the effort to make that work.  I'll be throwing my hat up in the air like MTM in Minneapolis! But, there's a part of me that is now a cautious adult, thinking through all things carefully, not wanting to start what I may not finish "perfectly." (Ah!  There's the real problem!)

At my age, people expect knowledge and wisdom: I can't impress people anymore with wisdom beyond my years because my years suggest I've got wisdom! What would be ideal is if my past experience proved that I was reasonably bright and self-motivated, and given those traits, would be an excellent candidate, if someone was willing to take a chance and show me how.

So I find my steps forward are really back into the comfortable footings of familiar surroundings. Not so bad, when being a contributing member of society is your goal.  Might as well contribute what you truly have to give.  But I would very much like the incantation to conjure the spirit of that determined little girl who willingly accepted the bumps and cuts of trying hard...and was pleased, even when the outcome was wobbly.

Let's wobble on.